when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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