This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
