my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
