I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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