when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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