What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
