I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
