I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
