any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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