For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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