sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
