I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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