I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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