did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I want her autograph on my taint
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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