Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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