apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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