Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
