You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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