Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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