you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
