Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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