Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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