I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
