U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
