I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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