i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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