I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
