My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
