it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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