the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
