I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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