The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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