Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need to calm my uterus...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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