if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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