She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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