I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
