Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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