So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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