i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
