you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
