Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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