I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
