I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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