Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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