do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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