You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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