I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
