I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
