Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
