can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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