I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
