you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
