Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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