hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. š¦
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
